Raising Kids for Christian Marriage

How do parents help their children prepare for marriage and avoid our culture’s predominant prurient forms of dating? How can we establish divorce-proof Christian marriages in our post-modern, sexualized society? Dating? Courting? Arranged Marriages? Bundling? Death-till-you-part match-making is a godly pursuit to be sensitively handled by the Christian couple in a hostile culture overflowing with the immoral excesses of what the Bible calls the Gentiles’ Pastime. If someone could come up with a closed system of boy meets girl so that purity is preserved in body, mind and soul, and the move from "just friends" to a little more could be done without guile, every Christian parent would be a stockholder! How can a parent guide their children safely into the harbor of a happy, lifelong marriage?

There Isn’t a Formula

WARNING! Here’s the reality: Whatever you do and no matter what you call it, it is not possible to create a marriage-preparation system that operates on auto-pilot and produces divorce-proof, happy marriages for our children. The spirit may be willing but the flesh is weak (Matt. 26:39). And furthermore, the letter kills but the Spirit gives life (2 Cor. 3:6). However, if you work in harmony with the Holy Spirit, you can have God's help in providing godly mates for your children (Matt. 19:11). Simply put, a truly Christian marriage is made in heaven and it is maintained in humility at the foot of the Cross! The humble saint hears God through Scripture and prayer and responds with a sincere faith. Oh! And by the way, God's plan will be unique to every individual and cannot become a model for everyone. Remember, God is desiring to show forth His manifold glory in your circumstances (Eph. 3:9-11). One size does not fit all. God must be sought after directly: “Call to Me, and I will answer you, and show you great and mighty things, which you do not know” (Jer 33:3 NKJV). God knows your heart – before you speak.

Seeking God is an Active Pursuit

Can every Christian have that happy testimony of Abraham's servant when he sought a wife for Isaac and prayed for God’s direct guidance? Was not Rebekah his miraculous answer? Yes! He prayed, "Blessed [be] the LORD God of my master Abraham, who hath not left destitute my master of his mercy and his truth: I [being] in the way, the LORD led me..." (Gen. 24:27). And how about Adam? God prepared a wife for Adam while he slept! So, today, can a single young adult be “put to sleep” by God until He brings them their mate?

Was it not God who said, “[It is] not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a help meet for him” (Gen. 2:18)? Is it possible for one to actively seek God to put them to sleep while they wait for Him to bring His intended to them? Finding a spouse from God is not a passive, do-nothing pastime. Rather, it is an active pursuit of God in prayer, upon Whom we cast all of our cares because He cares for us (1Peter 5:7)! However, if we are going to look to God for help in finding our spouse, we must first understand His view of marriage and our responsibility to Him. God says marriage is honorable and that He judges those who defile it. (Heb. 13:4).

Jesus characterizes divorce as rising from the hardness of men’s hearts. Jesus also says, “Have you not read that He who made [them] at the beginning 'made them male and female, and said, 'For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh'? So then, they are no longer two but one flesh.” Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate" (Mat 19:4-6 NKJV). However, “All [men] cannot receive this saying, save [they] to whom it is given" (Matt 19:6,11). So that’s a big question for you! Can you receive marriage on God’s terms, from heaven?

The Importance of Purity

Biblical advice on sexuality and marriage often focuses on the need to preserve purity before and fidelity in the marriage union – which is just as the Creator intended. This is a significant foundation for singles and healthy marriages. Except for one’s own spouse, behavior toward all members of the opposite sex must be marked by purity and discretion. The godly pursuit of marriage starts here. Purity is an important battleground and therefore is in great need of training for early childhood, for adolescence and for young adults. Taking Scripture on the whole, it seems that fleeing youthful lusts is the foundation for a moral Christian in society. However, it is not the sheer power of the will to do right that keeps one on the strait and narrow! Running away from youthful passions is only the first part of the verse; the second part requires one to run toward something transformative! “Flee youthful passions and pursue righteousness, faith, love, and peace, along with those who call on the Lord from a pure heart” (2Ti 2:22 ESV). Purity is the pursuit of a transformed life where the fruit of the Spirit overflows by the power of God.

Would you like every boy-meets-girl occasion to be a safe haven of propriety and positive ministry? Train your young men to treat young women as sisters in all purity and train your young women to expect that kind of treatment. It is an impossible standard, yes, but it is not so much a standard as it is a goal to aspire unto! Our children are young and immature so they will most likely cross a boundary or two before they understand and respect the boundaries. That’s okay, we are all in the redemptive process; let’s just be genuine and intentional by approaching this subject with wisdom and grace.

There are at least 54 chapters of the New Testament that exhort the believer to avoid sexual sins. Perhaps this best describes what it means to be put to sleep: "but treat ...the younger women as sisters, with all purity" (1Tim. 5:1-2). It is clear what immoral Gentile behaviors Christians are to avoid, and it is frightful not to have divorce as an option for correcting one’s perceived mistake of choosing the wrong spouse (Matt. 19:10)! Let Scripture guide you around Gentile immorality and into Christian purity.

Finding your mate as a Christian begins with treasuring your own body and setting it apart along with its youthful passions as the exclusive domain of your future spouse in marriage. Your sexuality is not an identity! It's a mechanism of intimacy preserved exclusively for the union of husband and wife. The Christian home will take care to understand the boundaries which we are forewarned not to breach with fraudulent behavior. When Paul wanted to teach this to his single and very eligible young “son in the faith” Timothy, he gave this simple advice, “… treat… the younger [women] as sisters, with all purity” (1Tim. 5:2). This does not mean that there is no interaction between guys and gals; it means that they must learn how to have spiritual conversation as brothers and sisters before they can ever have the first chance at going on to a "little more”!

“For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you abstain from sexual immorality; that each one of you know how to control his own body in holiness and honor, not in the passion of lust like the Gentiles who do not know God; that no one transgress and wrong his brother in this matter, because the Lord is an avenger in all these things, as we told you beforehand and solemnly warned you. For God has not called us for impurity, but in holiness. Therefore whoever disregards this, disregards not man but God, who gives his Holy Spirit to you” (1Th 4:3-8 ESV).

Establishing divorce-free marriages is a Christian value that injects God's redemptive purpose and power into the pursuit and purpose of marriage. That's a pesky bit of interference to the Gentile mind which rejects any posit of "God's Will" as both strange and evil. Unfortunately, too many professors of Christ get caught-up in self-will, accusing those who speak God’s Word as out-of-bounds overlords threatening their liberties. It is, therefore, understood and to be expected that any discussion on marriage will have its protagonists and antagonists locked in irreconcilable debate because the assert-your-rights Gentile mind will never have God rule over them. So be it. Being righteous creates a privileged class of delight-filled Christian marriages for those who delight to do God's will!

Inward Purpose, Outward Pursuit

So how does a Christian find their mate? More importantly, how can they do it and preserve themselves holy in the midst of this wicked and perverse generation? This inward purpose must guide the outward pursuit! Scripturally stated, marital fidelity is first learned by surrendering the rights to one’s own body and yielding it wholly unto God in sanctification and honor. This requires the humility of accepting God’s revealed boundaries and jettisoning prurient Gentile thinking and behavior. Call it Systemic Holiness.

What is the battleground of your obedience? Your will, surrendered in prayer. This was true of Jesus who said, "Lo, I come (in the volume of the book it is written of me,) to do thy will, O God" (Heb. 10:7).

This kind of surrender is not easy – it wasn’t for Jesus either, “Who in the days of his flesh, …offered up prayers and supplications with strong crying and tears unto him that was able to save him from death…; Though he were a Son, yet learned he obedience by the things which he suffered”’ (5:7-8). You must surrender all!

How did Jesus pray? With strong crying and tears. He shed great drops of blood in agonizing over surrendering to His Father’s Will. After praying, what did he do? “He committed himself to him that judges righteously” (1Peter 2:23). That’s how you surrender: by completely committing yourself to God who judges your circumstances rightly.

What’s the sum of the matter? Genuine Discipleship! “[Jesus] said to them, "If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake and the gospel's will save it” (Mar 8:34-35 ESV). The one who grasps after the preservation of their rights and expectations become locked in the chains of sorrow and loss. The one who commits everything to God walks in the liberty of the opportunity found in the moment of surrender and is empowered to do God’s will and relish the privilege. I call this Right Privilege![1]

As we raise our kids for Christian marriage, let us prayerfully and humbly remind them that:

--If they pursue Marriage for self-gratification, it will produce bitterness.

--If they pursue Marriage for mutual-gratification, it will produce disappointment.

--However, if they pursue Marriage as God purposed and if they will live in harmony with His design, their marriage will produce a deep satisfaction in this life and an eternal weight of glory in the next.

[1] To play on the terms of the cultural moment.